Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
