census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
