life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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