I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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