Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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