Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
