So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
