Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
