some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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