Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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