My first STD was from a foam party
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
