The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize