he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
