It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
