the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
