I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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