Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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