and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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