3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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