i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
