I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
