Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
