That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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