So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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