His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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