Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Randomize
