just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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