I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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