i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
