There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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