Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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