Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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