You just made me feel so damn special
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
