He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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