i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
