Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I want a musical about memes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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