Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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