At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize