the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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