I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize