HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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