What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
