i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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