It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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