hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They took my balls.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
