Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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