hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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