I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
