Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize