Apparently you make a good broom.
She said her name was "party"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
