I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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