Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
