just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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