Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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