how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
