i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
