i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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