When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
