grandma shit on top of the toilet
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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