It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
