she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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