This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
