recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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