also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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