you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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