I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
