She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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