Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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