Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
