I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
